Freelancer, in the claws of an idiot

    omg that is delightfully funny, omg what am i a stupid english noble? delightful, who in gods name says delightfull, really. o well, im looking fr a gun cause being a english noble is not the lfe for me. i must leave london and head for liberty, i here ageira makes good guns

    Funny, keep them coming. <img src=smilies/icon_smile_clown.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle>

    ________________________________ A turbulent time where the fate of humankind rests in the balance. The fulcrum, the breaking point of humanity. Heros rise and fall, faster than any can track. Saviors and demons both. Who will you be? How will your story be told? Control Your Own Faction 5: The Redemption Join the revolution here!

    Cool. Read this earlier but did not comment on it. Funnier than larry the cable guy. Captain of the Kep Salu Trekkie and proud of it!

    Captain of the Kep Salu Trekkie and proud of it! Agiera headmanager

    Bloody hilarious! My God, that´s great! Havn´t laughed this hard since the last time I´ve read a <i>Get Fuzzy </i> Comic. Simply brilliant.

    This is tooooo funny. Post more plz. My Mom just got mad from the other room ´cos I was laughing too hard!! Edited by - jager on 11/7/2004 10:57:32 AM

    Everyone who has finished the game five times or more just to watch the cutscenes please raise their hands.

    Thanks to Jummeh and Hahukum Konn for reviewing on and to all TLR reviewers. I´m glad you all enjoyed it. Enjoy this next chapter or you shall be attacked and killed by a weasel. Story the second: Liberty Security Dementia (LSD) The villainish, weasely Outcasts were facing financial hardship in recent times, The Liberty peace keeping forces had finally figured out that by not asking before they scanned passing ships, that they could sneak up on potential criminals and blow them away whilst they were blissfully ignorant of the fact that their contraband filled cargo hold was known to the police. Originally, as you know from countless ´I´m scanning your cargo hold for contraband´ messages, they gave this pointless piece of information to pilots, giving the smugglers more then enough time to run for the metaphorical hills. The Outcasts, whose main source of income came from Cardamine distribution, decided that something had to be done to overcome this obstacle before this new method of policing spread to the other colonies. Dr. Antonio Tourella, who had for ten years been trying to a suitable drug that would have the same effect as Cardamine but that he could still get high on so as to forget the depressing thing that was his life. (His wife had left him, his daughter had been cut to pieces by the local grass and one of his co-workers had an annoying habit of nailing his underwear to the ceiling of his house.) Anyway, what he came up with, as you may have guessed from the chapter title, was LSD, or at least something very similar. He urinated in the mixture a few dozen times due to the face that Don Benitez had confiscated his toilet. Don´t ask me what he did with it, I don´t know. Anyway, the Outcasts took this wondrous narcotic and got one of their best infiltrators, a woman called Elena, who had only seven fingers, to travel from place to place and spike the Liberty authorities coffee supply with lysergic acid diethylamide. (That should make LAD then shouldn´t it? I know that would clash with Noam Chomsky´s ´Language Acquisition Device´ but... On second thought, never mind). LSF headquarters was the first target, as the assorted LSF types trudged into their workplace; they all sat at their assorted desks and ingested their morning coffee. Seeing as Synth paste produced the caffeine filled beverage, coffee was now a solid and had to be consumed with a knife and fork. It wasn´t long before the effects started to show themselves, King, who´s desk was actually located on the ceiling, (he didn´t actually have a desk job, but President Jacobi had given it to him as suitable compensation for his part in the Nomad´s destruction. In other words for acting as cannon fodder and getting in Trent´s way as he tried to take the shield generators around the Nomad´s city down.) Sorry, I keep drifting from the subject; suffice to say, he started hallucinating, he soon came to believe that he was being chased by a huge, flying beer glass that was constantly shouting the words, ´You´ll pay for stealing that sparrow´s wallet! He needs a new kidney by the way. Damn it, what´d I have to mention food for, I haven´t eaten in three days. Stupid dieting. Tell me something, what does angst mean?&quot; Again and again the words would repeat themselves as King charged from one end of the building to the other trying to evade the beverage holding hallucination. Now you might be expecting me to write something about King falling from the roof to some ghastly death, possibly landing on someone´s car and shattering the windscreen, possibly landing on a random person called Floyd, a humble ALG employee with no hands and a wife called Bertha. Wrong, I have much more grand plans for King in this collection of stories, (actually that´s a lie but I´m still not going to kill him.) King did fall from the building, but he landed on the hull of a low flying Rhino and was whisked away to some distant part of the planet. No one seemed to care. Right, now we get to the mentions of Juni´s hallucinations. She soon found herself hallucinating that she was being shot at by several co-workers who were now, for some reason, all resembling Herr Von Claussen. Since you get Von Claussen look-alikes in every system I guess its not that surprising. Anyway, firmly grasping a fully loaded needler rifle that was hidden underneath her desk, Juni unleashed hell in the room. Three janitors and two agent types were gunned down. The rest were already hiding under their desks due to the grotesque apparitions that they were seeing. Another LSF commander, named Fredrick, Bertram, Laurence, Henry, Stewart Hill, (Fblhsh for short), eventually returned fire, believing Juni to be his brother who had slept with his wife on the day of their marriage. He missed and destroyed two pot plants. He also ended up shooting a passing seagull, or at least the Manhattan equivalent, what it was doing inside is up to you to figure out. Whilst the madness continued, the Outcasts met their assorted quotas, received an unnervingly high amount of money, their smuggling freighters were then destroyed by a Freelancer named ´Mandarin´. Four stupid LPI pilots flew into the sun, believing it to be the sight of buried treasure, specifically the quasi-legendary golden radish of New Tokyo. The battleship Missouri, whose crew´s coffee had also been spiked, flew into the zone-21 minefield; the crew believed that the mines would magically disperse, as they sometimes appear to do in the game. Needless to say there were no survivors. And a few other things happened, I would explain but I´m trying to keep all the chapters more or less the same length. Final count, fourteen injured, two thousand and thirty seven dead. Thus endeth this story. Another comes soon.

    you can fool them but you can`t fool me. Unless of course you can

    I´m not sure what you´re on, or what you perhaps should be on but this is some amusing stuff.

    Edit: Removed sig. Edited by - Stinger on on 12/30/2004 3:43:05 PM

    I havnt laughed so hard since i mutated warcraft into judge druid. I dont take money only girl giggles- Thumb Wars

    I am the Death_man, the dark lord, the darkness in which all life dies and the bringer of insanity. In my spare time I manage a small pet supply shop.

    ROTFLMAO! Great stuff man! Keep it up! <img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle><img src=smilies/icon_smile_clown.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle><img src=smilies/icon_smile_tongue.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle>

    ________________________________ A turbulent time where the fate of humankind rests in the balance. The fulcrum, the breaking point of humanity. Heros rise and fall, faster than any can track. Saviors and demons both. Who will you be? How will your story be told? Control Your Own Faction 5: The Redemption Join the revolution here!

    HOLY BLEEPING HECK THAT IS FUNNY! Trent next! *And do the black knight type thing. (It´s just a flesh wound.....)* Captain of the Kep Salu Trekkie and proud of it!

    Captain of the Kep Salu Trekkie and proud of it! Agiera headmanager

    Do you happen to know wheter the seagull african or European, and do you know its air-speed velocity with a cocconut? Most people fear the unknown. Most people haven´t met me.

    CYOF administrator. Second-in-Command of CYOF RIP Justin, I love ya man

    I know, but it was a seagull in the story. WOrking with what I have here.... Most people fear the unknown. Most people haven´t met me.

    CYOF administrator. Second-in-Command of CYOF RIP Justin, I love ya man

    I just had the most incredible thought. We need a Spaceballs mod! Imagine it. Ridiculeously huge capital ships, startrackers that look like Winebagoes (would give a new meaning to &quot;camping&quot; at a base), bar patrons who look like dark helmet or have giant balls on their head. When you go through a jumpgate the wormhole would be plaid. Yougurt merchandise and logos everywhere. LOL <img src=smilies/icon_smile_tongue.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> You know if he doesn´t post a new story soon these suggestions are only going to get more outragous. &quot;Trent and the quest for the Holy Sidewinder Fang&quot; :p Edited by - vorticaldwarf on 11/22/2004 5:45:08 AM Edited by - vorticaldwarf on 11/22/2004 5:48:52 AM

    "Shogunate of Kusari in mind but always a Blood Dragon at heart"

    ROTFLOL!!!<img src=smilies/icon_smile.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> Most people fear the unknown. Most people haven´t met me.

    CYOF administrator. Second-in-Command of CYOF RIP Justin, I love ya man

    storys that funny come at a cost of time, sanity and my unholy koala strike force of doom so give him time and soon you will be choking to death again I dont take money only girl giggles- Thumb Wars

    I am the Death_man, the dark lord, the darkness in which all life dies and the bringer of insanity. In my spare time I manage a small pet supply shop.