Freelancer, in the claws of an idiot

    wow sum funny stuff. and I would sujest not using Monty pythons stuff, cus your good without it <img src=smilies/icon_smile_wink.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> about the spaceballs mod, go for it... i´d love to see that

    _______________ i dont suffer fools gladly , in fact i dont suffer them at all

    hah these are hilarious! I haven´t laughed this hard since I watched the Life of Brian <img src=smilies/icon_smile_wink.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> <img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle><img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle><img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> Hmm, I´d tend to disagree with the pro-Monty Pythoners. Keep to what you´ve been doing, it´s great. Spaceballs + Freelancer= hilarity, methinks <img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle>

    O.K, i know its been so long since my last update of this fic that i´m probably breaking the grave digging rule by doing so. Sorry for the wait, i´ve had a huge amount of writer´s block to contend with. Anyway, enough of this, thanks to anyone who read and reveiwed this. Story the third: The Hispania, what really happened. The hundred-year war was nearing an end, the Alliance’s forces were all but gone, their only remaining outposts were Europa and Pluto, the only thing they had left to hope in were the five colony ships, each of which were, (during the time this chapter is set in), nearing completion. After a century of mayhem and destruction in which each side fought fiercely for control of the Disney world that had been constructed on the moon, (300 miles from any other colonised Luna areas curiously enough,) the Co-allition bigwigs had finally realised that mass slaughter, although fun to watch, wasn’t going to win them Disney world and the extra revenue from tourism. Consequently, they resorted to the use of radio messages to distract allied ships and soldiers during engagements. This tactic proved remarkably successful, after all, if you were fighting for your life on the frozen wastelands of the dark side of the moon, with fear and adrenaline fuelling your body, had all sense of reason destroyed by the heat of combat, and all of a sudden all your targets hid and started screaming in unison through your helmet’s communication unit; ‘Whoosh! Boom, twang, pzziow, clink, clink, clinkety, clink, weasel!’ Wouldn’t you be confused? The allied types certainly were, the resulting confusion allowed the Co-allition soldiers to shoot at the enemy and kill them with contemptuous ease. The Alliance tried to use this tactic against the enemy, however they had little success seeing as all Co-allition servicemen and women had been trained to resist odd phrases. At random times throughout each day, their ships intercom would burst out with something odd like ‘swing-batabatabata-suhwing-batter!’ and ‘Good God Sir, what happened to your shoulders?’ (That last one wasn’t that good was it?) This helped to protect the Co-allition types against gibberish. Alas it worked to well, and the Co-allition types became immune to all spoken language. Consequently, the co-allition military had to learn to communicate through a series of clicks and hoots. Anyway, I’m drifting from the title heading. The allied types, as you know from the opening sequence, hastily created five sleeper ships, (I’m working from the final opening sequence, I never actually saw the other one, I don’t have broadband, (starts wailing uncontrollably)). Um yes well, *sniff* anyway, where was I? Yes, the five sleeper ships were constructed and named after places or things with cool sounding names from their patron nations. These ships were all filled with people and assorted beasties that could be used as livestock or domestic pets. All of which were placed into suspended animation and shot into space in the direction of the Sirius sector. All was not well onboard the Hispania however, Chief Zachary Blatherspoon, charged with overseeing construction of the Hispania had been suffering from depression and piles in the final days of the war. Consequently he had taken to binge drinking. On one fateful day he uttered to a junior technician, ‘Don’t worry kid, I’ll fasten up the tertiary fusion reactor, you get home.’ Truth be told in his drunken state what he actually said was far less polite, and coherent, it was more like, ‘Ah get out ya cluts, can’t you do anything *belch* what? Go on, scoot.’ With that the frightened technician charged out of the door as Blatherspoon hurled tools at him with surprising precision. He then turned to the reactor, which he then crawled into and slept until the ghastly fumes suffocated him. Little did he know that his poor choice of where to sleep would have a ghastly effect on the stability of the Sirius sector, and would lead to a particularly nasty war of attrition. Not to mention mass drug abuse. 45 years into the voyage, the tertiary reactor was brought online by the onboard computer when the primary and secondary ones were shut down temporarily for maintenance. The superheated fuel combined with the conveniently placed stick of dynamite that was resting in Blatherspoon’s pocket resulted in widespread fiery nastiness. After the surviving crew had been revived and had sufficiently recovered from their deep sleep, the fire had consumed half the ship. They lost thirty people trying to put it out, and in reality it was the computer that did most of the work, all the crew thought to do was shriek and throw their helmets at the fire. Some also chose to shout ‘Back!’ menacingly. It didn’t work. Anyway, when the fire was put out, some of the crew went to the reactor and found chide Blatherspoon’s charred skeleton. Somehow, the shrapnel that had embedded itself in the wall had been wedged there in such a way that made it look like the following sentence, ‘He’s a liberty saboteur, they want you to fail.’ And the rest you already know. I’ll try and get a new story up much sooner next time. Impossible is impossible

    you can fool them but you can`t fool me. Unless of course you can

    <img src=smilies/icon_smile_sad.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> so long since the last post.......... With the sucess of freelancer parody I thought this desevered a bump. Now get off your butt blooddragon and bring us more stories.....

    "Shogunate of Kusari in mind but always a Blood Dragon at heart"

    FUNNY I laughed so hard that everyone one in the libray heard me hahaahha ah. smile <img src=smilies/icon_smile.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> big smile <img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> cool <img src=smilies/icon_smile_cool.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> tongue <img src=smilies/icon_smile_tongue.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> evil <img src=smilies/icon_smile_evil.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> wink <img src=smilies/icon_smile_wink.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> clown <img src=smilies/icon_smile_clown.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> black eye B-) frown <img src=smilies/icon_smile_sad.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> kiss <img src=smilies/icon_smile_kisses.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> shy 8) blush <img src=smilies/icon_smile_blush.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> shocked <img src=smilies/icon_smile_shock.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> angry <img src=smilies/icon_smile_angry.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> dead <img src=smilies/icon_smile_dead.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> sleepy <img src=smilies/icon_smile_sleepy.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> approve <img src=smilies/icon_smile_approve.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> disapprove <img src=smilies/icon_smile_disapprove.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> question <img src=smilies/icon_smile_question.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> Death to the salad eaters!

    "And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

    Wow.....funny stuff....KEEP IT UP PLEASE! Now I have 3 fanfics to make my laugh uncontrollably...... By the way, whatever happened to that Spaceballs mod? Edited by - Hawk Of Prey on 10/22/2005 4:33:50 AM

    I am sorry for my nine month absence. Its been very hard to think of anything and feel particularly inspired, and eventually the story kind of drifted into the mists. But no more. Thanks to everyone whose read this. I will try and come up with ideas and chapters more quickly in the future, although I think I said that last time. In any case, sorry again for the wait and I hope you enjoy this chapter. Story the fourth: The Lord, the lackey, and a daffodil or two. As you may remember from chapter two, King was carried off by a passing Rhino after his fall from the LSF building. As it turns out, this started him down a road that would take him far from his homeland and the life that he knew. About the same time, Lord Hakkera had returned to Honshu, where all was not well. As it transpired, a gang of fifty odd genetically engineered mountain weasels had descended upon the capitol city and ransacked the planet’s only bank. Lord Edo refused to reimburse the planet, stating that he needed all available credits to fund the construction of Sirius’ largest rubix cube. This would be placed in orbit of New Tokyo in an attempt to both counter the threat of meteor impacts, (and foolish Freelancers who kept buggering into the atmosphere), and also increase tourism. The cube was later destroyed by the Hogosha who feared the contamination of foreign devils; also, they detested rubix cubes. There is not one Hogosha alive who can solve one. Before this incident, Hogosha operatives had been known to carry out armed raids on toy shops in which all rubix cubes were seized and shot. It is rumoured that they tried to pass some off as Dom Kovash artefacts, but that’s another story. Anyhoo, in an attempt to repair his planet’s economy, Lord Hakkera constructed a quaint florists shop in the capital city. He encouraged others to create similar shops around the planet. No one was overly confident that this would accomplish anything, but they had little else to do so they did their lords bidding. Two days after his shop opened, King fell through the roof after the Rhino’s pilot, (who had been delivering a shipment of Colman’s mustard promotional hats to the planet), discovered the hitchhiker on his roof and did a barrel role. King, who was somehow none the worse for ware after his short trip through the vacuum or his long fall through the roof, picked himself off of the floor and inquired as to where he was. Lord Hakkera was not pleased with this new development, his shop had not had many customers and he was certain that the few people who had come in were snickering at his bright pink apron which he had been told by his tailor was ‘a required garment for florists’. However, Hakkera realised that he could make use of the Libertonian halfwit, and promising him a free ride home onboard a luxury liner in exchange for thirty four years of service, he put King to work, watering the cacti and feeding live voles to the Kyushu fang vines. King did these tasks gladly, encouraged by the promise of three servings of lettuce, (a rare commodity), onboard the luxury liner which would take him home to his trial and execution, long after he’d have been declared a deserter from the service. A few weeks in, a customer entered the shop and requested a dozen suitably pretty flowers to give to his wife for their anniversary. Lord Hakkera was at this time attending a conference about mountain weasel traps. (They didn’t want to be caught out again once they’d sorted the economy out). As a result, King was left in charge of the shop. Whilst the customer was gawking at the King shaped hole in the roof, he went to the back and examined the assorted plants. The prettiest looking ones he could find were Kurile swamp weeds, which despite the unpleasant sounding name looked quite nice. King removed a dozen of these from the aquarium in which they were kept, let them rinse for a few moments, and then wrapped them and handed them to the customer. The thing with swamp weeds however, is that if you don’t keep them in water they shrivel up and release a poisonous gas into the air that can cause eyes to shrink. And shrink they did. No sooner had the customer, who shall forever remain nameless, grasped the flowers then his eyes seemed to vanish. In a moment of panic he flailed about the shop, causing havoc and mayhem and inadvertently stepped on one of the three Ripper mines that were clustered in the far corner of the room near the door. (Hakkera had bought these cheap on eBay and planned to drop them on the heads of any who sought refunds.) Long story short, BANG! SMASH! WHOOSH! ARGH! *shriek* Clink, clink, clinkety clnk, *sudden halt to all sound effects in the aftermath*. On second thought let me try that again. Long story short, a violent explosion reduced ‘Hakkera’s floral distribution hut’ and sent King flying once more, this time onto the roof of a passing Drone. And thus he sailed off to his next adventure. Hakkera, upon his return, was a little upset about his shop being reduced to ashes. Since King was nowhere to be found in the wreckage, he instead ordered a swarm of his loyal servants to take flight and hunt King down. The tale of their hunt shall be told in another um, tale. Thus endeth this story. If the next one’s not up sooner then this one, Hawk of Prey can pull out my two front teeth.

    you can fool them but you can`t fool me. Unless of course you can