A Freelancer Parody

Awesome, i totaly tripped out reading it.

That was... interesting.... ROFLMAO!!!! Keep it coming!

lol, very interesting<img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle>

Hm,what happend to In The Claws Of An Idiot? On Topic:A good chuckle all around <img src=smilies/icon_smile_wink.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle>

<b>Chapter 2: Of Psychotic Nomads and Trent’s Eloquent Speech </b> All was going well on Freeport 7 that day. Well, except for a few minor incidents, like when some genius threw a lit cigarette into a recycling bin full of paper and nearly set fire to the station, and later when someone asked him about an alien artifact he was carrying. For the next hour or so, he was seen going around on all fours and muttering and hissing to himself. Something about a “precious”. But the point is, it was (by their standards, anyway, as the station would be nearly destroyed about every other week) a pretty calm and uneventful day. Little did they know that their lives would be turned upside down in a matter of minutes. The Nomads were coming (dun dun duuuuunn). They were coming. There was an artifact on this space station that must be destroyed or they would risk defeat at the hands of these humans that were so un-advanced (Is that even a word?) that they didn’t even know how to grow spaceships. Normally, the humans would never see them coming, but this time there was an exception… Nomad 3: WHERE ARE THE HUMANS! MUST KILL HUMANS! KILL!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Yep, that’s why. You see, about 1 out of every 50 Nomads suffers from a strange affliction that causes them to have a psychotic episode every time they so much as see anything designed by humans. And these Nomads were unlucky enough to get within sight of the Sigma-19 Jump Gate on their way to Freeport 7. But enough rambling, let’s get on with the story. Nomad 1: Quiet, the humans will hear us coming! Nomad 3: HUMANS? WHERE?! Nomad 2: There are no humans around here, but if you just shut up at least you’ll get to kill some once we get to the station! Nomad 3: YAY! KILL THE HUMANS! (Starts cackling insanely and shouting “KILL!” ) Nomad 1: SHUT UP NOMAD 3! Nomad 2: Um, guys, we’re very close to the station now. Nomad 1: (Notices the station is only 5K away) Oh, right. Prepare to attack! END OF CHAPTER (Dodges a thrown knife) It was a JOKE, Tekagi! Stop trying to kill me! Tekagi: Well, I didn’t think it was very funny. (Turns very scary looking) NOW FINISH THE CHAPTER NOW! Hmm, maybe it’s not such a bad idea to paint the Arch in hippie colors. Tekagi (Who happens to be the exact opposite of a hippie): EEP! ANYTHING BUT THAT! Then stop trying to order me to do stuff! Tekagi: Yes, sir. Anything you say, sir. Much better. (Continues with story) Nomad 1: The artifact must be destroyed! (Launches a torpedo) Nomad 2: The Nomads will prevail once again! (Launches a torpedo) Nomad 3: DIE PATHETIC HUMANS! DIE! MWAHAHAHA! (Launches every torpedo in his ship) And as you all know, Freeport 7 exploded. Also, Nomad 3’s psychotic episode suddenly ended. Nomad 1: You know, Mission Control won’t be too happy about you launching all of your torpedoes. You’ll have to pay for them yourself. Nomad 3: What do you mean? I was insane then! Besides, I had to use them to blow up the station! Nomad 2: No, you only had to use one. Nomad 3: Why? Nomad 2: The station was sucked into the Cutscene Zone. Nomad 3: Crap, how could I have forgotten about that even when I was insane? If you didn’t know, the Cutscene Zone is a well-known phenomenon that (obviously) occurs during cutscenes in video games (especially in Freelancer) and tends to suck things in. Anything sucked into it becomes highly explosive and has its armor reduced by 90%. In Freelancer, capital ships are the most common victims, but it can happen to anything. Anyway, enough with the Freeport 7 scene. It kind of dragged on a bit longer than I wanted it to. PLANET MANHATTAN Trent: (Walks into the bar and is watching the TV) TV: It’s not known if Freeport 7’s destruction was accidental or a deliberate attack, but the LSF says it suspects a dangerous criminal organization, “The Order”. Trent: Yeah, of course it was the Order, especially since it was NOMAD torpedoes that hit the station! You’re not supposed to know about them! Trent: Oh, yeah. (Walks up to the bartender) A Sidewinder Fang, please. Bartender: All we have is Liberty Ale. Trent: Fine. Bartender: Hey, I saw your face on the news. You’re one of the Freeport 7 survivors. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. If you’re looking for a job, talk to the girl over there. Her name is Jun’ko Zane. She works for the LSF. Trent walked over to Juni and spoke to her in his usual, very eloquent manner of speech. Trent: Hey, whatcha got? Juni: (slaps him) PERVERT! Trent: Ow, I didn’t mean it that way! Juni: What, were you looking for work or something? Trent: Yes! My name’s Trent and I need some money! Juni: Well, I could use a good freelancer, Trent. Ok, I have a mission for you. You’ll just have to escort a convoy of food and medical supplies to Pittsburgh. Sound good? Trent: No, I want something more exciting. Juni: Please? Trent: No. Juni: Please? Trent: No. Juni: Please? Trent: NO! Juni: Ok, I’ll get a ship for you. We’ll leave as soon as you’re ready. Trent: &gt;_&lt; Edited by - Starman Omega on 2/26/2005 2:48:41 PM

ROFL! This is hilarious!

I am being far too easily amused by this story. <img src=smilies/icon_smile.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> That makes it good. Continue! *clapclapclapclap*

Great stuff, really great stuff http://www.sigmafuel.tk

<b>Chapter 3: Of Flying Donuts and Crappy Pilots </b> Trent had no problems getting into space in his new piece-of-crap Starflier, except when a leaf blew into it, severely damaging the ship. Trent was forced to use his entire load of nanobots to keep the thing from exploding. But when he came out of the docking ring, the Battleship Osiris was just sitting out there in plain sight. There was smoke pouring out of it and there were many huge blast marks on its hull. Orillion: Are you sure we’re cloaked? Von Claussen: Well, the ship’s computer says we are. Orillion: Well, I wouldn’t trust a computer after the incident with the EMP. Random LPI Pilot: This is Liberty Police Delta-3 to Battleship Osiris; I’m scanning your cargo for contraband. Orillion: OH #$*%! WE’RE NOT CLOAKED! HIT THE RED BUTTON NOW! Guy at controls: Which red button? There <i>is </i> no red button! Random LPI Pilot: You’ve got nothing here I’m looking for. (Flies off) Orillion: (Walks over to the control panel) This one! (Presses a large red button clearly marked “CLOAK”, which is right next to an even larger green button labeled “CAPPUCINO” ) The Battleship Osiris suddenly disappeared, causing more than one pilot in the area to question his sanity. Trent then found King in space, ready to do the mission and then get back to Leeds. King: You must be Trent. I’m King, the CO of this mission. Trent: Hey, shouldn’t you at least have a heavy fighter if you’re a CO? King: It wouldn’t matter if I had a freaking battleship; it’d still only have a few class 1 weapons since this is the first mission. Trent then saw a very weird ship flying towards Newark Station. It looked like a huge donut covered in chocolate sprinkles. Trent: What the heck is that?! King: That’s the Donut, Admiral Schultsky’s flagship. He’s visiting Manhattan to open the first of Rheinland’s famous Schultsky’s Donuts shops in Liberty. Even President Jacobi will be at the opening ceremony. Keep your distance from it, as he will NOT like it if you blow off one of the chocolate sprinkles. Schultsky: Newark, this is RNC Donut, requesting permission to dock with your station. Newark: You can dock if you give me a free box of your donuts. Schultsky: Or I could just use the mooring fixture. Newark: Donut, be advised, we’re picking up unknown contacts. Schultsky: Affirmative. Power up weapons! Unknown ships, this is the RNC Donut. Alter course at once or we will open fire! Suddenly, the Donut was sucked into the Cutscene Zone. About the same time, the Order pilots launched their torpedoes. Fortunately for everyone except the Order ships, the Donut was using a new countermeasure launcher for capital ships, which caused most of the torpedoes to miss. However, one of them hit the top of the ship, blowing off several of the chocolate sprinkles. Schultsky: You did NOT just do that… King: Take cover! (Flies behind Newark Station) Everyone in the area (except the Order ships) immediately flew behind something, whether it was a station, docking ring, or planet. Schultsky: DIE!! Suddenly, an awful lot of rather large guns popped out of hidden compartments in the Donut’s hull and destroyed the Order ships in seconds. Because again fortunately for everyone except the Order, the Order had not launched Anubi to destroy the Donut, but some obscure thing called the Order Ship, a piece of crap that has less than half the armor of an Anubis and can only carry class 1 weapons and shields. It’s only redeeming quality was that it could carry torpedoes. Orillion: I never thought those would work anyways. We’ll just have to kill ‘em ourselves. The Osiris then decloaked right next to the Donut and fired a laser blast from the one remaining turret on it. The Donut failed to explode instantly, as it was no longer in the Cutscene Zone. The Osiris recloaked and flew off, causing even more people in the area to question their sanity. King: O_O We better get to the transport now. If you were wondering what happened to the Osiris, it wasn’t that the guy hit the wrong button and uncloaked the ship instead of making a cappuccino, as that would be too unoriginal. What really happened was that they flew by the weapons testing facility in Alaska on their way to Manhattan. What they didn’t know was that the Liberty Navy was, at that exact time, testing out a new experimental EMP device that would drain the energy from all ships in a 5,000 meter radius. They were intending to use this to make a new EMP missile. And as the Laws of Comedy dictate, the Osiris just happened to be passing by as they activated the EMP. Even worse, there was a group of fighters standing by, waiting to test out their new Sunslayer Torpedoes. Needless to say, the Osiris was heavily damaged, and only managed to escape when the torpedo ammo spontaneously exploded in someone’s cargo bay, causing all the fighters to immediately jettison their torps and switch to the weaker energy-based weapons, which gave the Osiris enough time to recloak and get away. FORT BUSH King: USV Brandt, are you ready to go? USV Brandt: DUH, you’re only 12 hours late! King: I said 4 P.M., not 4 A.M. USV Brandt: Oh. King: Well, let’s just get in the tradelane. (In the tradelane) King: Looking good so far… *Tradelane Disrupted* King: D’OH! Liberty Rogue 1: Give up your cargo or-(Flies into an asteroid and explodes) USV Brandt: Well, since all you have is class 1 lasers, no. Rogue 2: Then di-(Crashes into Rogue 3 and explodes) The battle ended in seconds, because the Rogues in Mission 1 are such crappy pilots and they all died from hitting asteroids or each other. Yes, I know that hitting an asteroid or another ship doesn’t blow you up, but right now, let’s just say it does. The mission then went on as you all know; Trent and King saved the XT-19 Prison Ship, mainly because half the Rogues there crashed into Maine. Then they saved Beta 4, and torpedoed the Rogue base into oblivion. Trent then got his money and used it to buy some better equipment. Then he took off to go back to Manhattan when… King: Fort Bush is under attack! Can you help defend it? Trent: Nah, don’t have time. King: I’ll give you $8,000 if you do, which is enough for a better ship. Trent: EDISON TRENT TO THE RESCUE! Edited by - Starman Omega on 3/3/2005 11:09:05 AM

ROFL! This is really funny, especially the stupid Rogues lol

Yey, bring it on, gimmy more. (you really have to go through al the SP scenes again, My hat off to you!)

Hahaha! Oh that was great i can´t stop laughing. Oh i can´t wait to see more of this. I was thinking of writing a parody about other fanfics on here. But i would need the authors permission. Hmm i might just do that.

Greatness.

Permission granted. <img src=smilies/icon_smile.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle>

This is so funny I had to take tylenol so my head didnt explode! <img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> <img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> <img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> <img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle>

<b>Chapter 4: Of Birdmen, Attorney-Generals, and Ludicrous Speed </b> Trent was walking out to his new Patriot on the docking bay. And as you all know, the Patriot totally pwnz0rz the Starflier (or is much better for those of you who don’t speak 1337) in every way possible. But anyway, he was walking out to the Patriot when he ran into Lonnigan. Trent: Lonnigan? Are you sure you should be out of medical yet? Lonnigan: We’re not safe here! They want us all dead! Trent: Guess not. Lonnigan: No, because I escaped from medical. We’ve got to get out of Liberty now! Trent: Who do you think are after us? Lonnigan: The Bir-I mean government men. I know who destroyed Freeport 7. There were these ships that weren’t there, and they were piloted by flying men! The Birdmen are coming! They’ll take over the world and stab us all to death with sporks! THE BIRDMEN ARE COMING! Trent: O_o Lonnigan then started to run around in circles with his hands up in the air shouting “THE BIRDMEN ARE COMING!”, until Trent walked up and whipped him on the head with his pistol. Lonnigan then immediately stopped. Lonnigan: Sorry, I was going a bit insane there. But I’m serious, get out of Liberty while you still can. Policeman 1: Where do you think you’re going? The policeman then started shooting at Lonnigan, but he dodged the bullets Matrix-style. The policeman was finally able to hit him when he pointed up into the sky and shouted, “BIRDMEN!” Lonnigan turned around to look for them and was immediately hit. Then the other policeman zapped Trent with a stun baton. Juni: Trent…HEY, WAKE UP! (Slaps him very hard) Trent: X_X Juni: D’OH! Trent: (Wakes up) King: What happened? Trent: I ran into this guy called Lonnigan, who I was about to sign a deal with on Freeport 7 when the station was attacked. He said that someone was after him, and he escaped from medical. I was sure he was insane the whole time when these two guys showed up and shot him. Now I know he was only insane about half the time. King: Well, we need to start the mission now, so let’s launch to space. COLORADO JUMPGATE Trent and King got past the Battleship Unity, and flew into the jumpgate. Trent: Ooh…pretty colors… NEW YORK JUMPGATE, COLORADO SYSTEM Juni: Ashcroft is in the Kepler system now, and I think he’s coming straight at you. King: Trent, we have to scan all passing ships. Trent: @_@ King: Trent? Trent: @_@ King: Wake up! Trent: What? King: I think the wormhole hypnotized you. Trent: No way! That sort of stuff doesn’t work on me! King: … Trent: Anyway, what did you say again? King: Juni just said Ashcroft is in Kepler and heading straight at us, so we have to scan all passing ships. Trent: Why should we scan them if he’s in a different system? King: Because his cronies could be coming through before him. Or he could have switched ships with someone else. Trent: I see. (Looks at radar) Hey, this guy’s name is DSE-Unknown, and he’s on the Important Contacts list, so he must be critical to the mission! King: This is Liberty Police Gamma-6 to unknown ship; I’m scanning your cargo for contraband. Unknown ship: OMG 4th AMENDMENT VIOLATION! (Opens fire) King and Trent then fired back and tried to disable his engines. Not that you can disable someone’s engines in Freelancer, but it never hurts to try. Finally, they heavily damaged him and he stopped firing. King: Sean Ashcroft, you are under arrest! Unknown: I’m not Sean Ashcroft, you idiot! I’m John Ashcroft, the attorney-general! So stop shooting me or I’ll sic the CIA on you! King: NOT THE CIA! (Immediately flies away) Juni: Trent, Sean Ashcroft’s cronies just broke through the defenses at Pueblo. Get there right away. PUEBLO STATION Trent and King came out of the tradelane and saw Rogues flying everywhere; also Pueblo Station was on fire. They easily destroyed the Rogues and headed into the Silverton Field to find Ashcroft. Trent: How could those Rogues have broken through the defenses? They were almost as bad as the ones we saw before! King: Apparently, the defenders were all in Starfliers. Trent: Ouch, that must have hurt. King: Hey, Ashcroft’s right there! Trent: Why does he have no one with him? Ashcroft: Those stupid pilots all flew into asteroids. Trent and King had remembered what happened in the last mission, the idea of these supposedly feared and deadly pirates all flying into asteroids causing them to laugh so hard that they didn’t even notice Ashcroft cruising away. King: OH NOES! He’s getting away! Firing cruise disruptor. CRAP! IT MISSED! Trent: King, you don´t even have a CD on your ship. King: Mental note: Hunt down whatever idiot said they put one on it and spork ‘em to death. Trent: King, he’s flying through a jumphole. King: Well, get in after him! Unfortunately for Ashcroft, the jumphole was destabilizing, which he didn’t notice until he was flying through and the wormhole was plaid. He was then launched at Ludicrous Speed through Galileo and into Honshu, where he came to a stop slightly less than 5 inches away from the minefield around Kansai Research Station. However, King and Trent had followed him through, and this time Trent wasn’t hypnotized by the wormhole. Ashcroft was lucky enough to eject just before King came from behind and rammed his ship into the minefield, destroying it. Trent then beamed up Ashcroft’s escape pod, and he and King made their way to the New Tokyo Jumpgate. King: I know a way to speed this up. King then shot a certain part of the jumpgate, which caused it to malfunction and, again, form a plaid wormhole. It shot them into New York at Ludicrous Speed. Luckily, they happened to fly through Galileo instead of hitting the dark matter cloud, because firing a ship into a dark matter cloud at Ludicrous Speed has the same effect as slingshotting an egg into a brick wall. They came to a stop right next to the Battleship Missouri. Juni: Change of plans. You are to proceed to the Battleship Missouri near Zone-21. Trent: We’re right next to it. Juni: Well, in that case, just dock with it. BATTLESHIP MISSOURI Trent: Why do you have all these armed men with you? He’s unconscious in my cargo hold. Ashcroft: (Wakes up) YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! (Runs toward the airlock, but is shot with a taser and falls to the ground) Juni: That’s why. Ashcroft is a tough man, but I’m sure we can get him to talk. As Trent walked out to the docking bay, he thought he heard screams coming from a room. He listened at the door, and it turned out to be Ashcroft being tortured. Ashcroft: AHHHHH! OK, I’LL TELL YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT! JUST GET THAT TEDDY BEAR AWAY FROM ME! Edited by - Starman Omega on 3/12/2005 10:45:05 PM

nice space balls reference <img src=smilies/icon_smile_wink.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> <img src=smilies/icon_smile_tongue.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> Edited by - DSQrn on 3/12/2005 3:33:46 PM