A Medley of Problems. A compleatly stupid Fanfic By Chupa

    Chapter 1 All was not well on the Forerunner ship, After doing a lot of running around, killing things, dying, respawing, killing things, blowing stuff up, killing things, stealing a giant spaceship, and killing things, the Master Chief was not a happy camper. Chief: Cortanna, Where are we? Cortanna: I can’t talk to you sir, remember, you left me on the halo? Chief: Blow it all to smithereens, I forgot. Why did I have to do that? Cortanna: I don’t know. Chief: Can we at least pretend? Cortanna: Sure. Chief: All right, once again, where are we. Cortanna: Well, judging by the star patterns, the local planet, and the square of the final digit of Pi, I haven’t the foggiest. Chief: YES!! Do you know what this means? Cortanna: We’re lost? Chief: No, There won’t be a single flood for light years upon light years! Cortanna: Ohh, very true… Chief: So, why don’t you know where we are? Cortanna: Well, I think I overestimated my skills in operating this forerunner ship. I think we might have jumped across universes instead of across space, which would explain why I don’t recognize anything. Chief: You jumped us across the universe? Cortanna: No across universes. As in, multiple universes, I don’t have time to explain it to barbarians. Just pretend you understand…So, if you don’t have anything to kill, then what will you do? Chief: *Gasp* I hadn’t thought of that? What will I do with all my time? Cortanna: You could- Chief: I’ve got it! I’ll go insult the universe in alphabetical order. No, I get the feeling that would get a little to close to plagiarism. Cortanna: You could- Chief: I could become a gourmet chef! They would call me, Chef Chief! Cortanna: No, but you could find something else to fight. Chief: I got it; I could find something else to fight! Cortanna: I just, oh never mind. The Chief and Cortanna cruised through the universe, but could find next to nothing to do, except banish a little guy that called himself Myxlpiklik, a small elf from the 5th dimension. So they jumped to another universe, and again could find nothing to do. They tried a third, and popped out right in front of a large research ship near the Nomad City. Sinclair: Unknown vessel, this is Order Research Ship “Quinte-Poo” What are you doing in this system? Chief: Uhh, just cruising around, looking for things to- what on any particular planet that is not earth is that thing? Sinclair: Its called a Nomad, we’re trying to tame them. Chief: IT’S A BLUE FLOOD!!!!! Master Chief then landed on Nomad City, and proceeded to make mincemeat out of the alien snake like things. Sinclair: Wait you really don’t want to do that! Chief: BANG BOOM SMASH CRASH CRUNCH SPLOOSH (ewww, a squishy one) BOOM THUMP BIFF POW BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM! Sinclair: Not good. Unknowingly, the chief had undone all the work that Sinclair had done, and, being hive minded, many pet parasites throughout the galaxy infested their owners and began a second battle for the Sirius Sector. Chief: My work here is done, See ya later! The Chief and Cortanna jumped to yet another universe, and landed square on The Heart of Gold, whose owner just happened to be calming a very frightened Trent down. Trent: *Wheezing* Zaphod: You see? The galaxy is a fun place; you just gotta learn to have a good time. Chief: CRUCH BANG EXPLOSION! Trent: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    THIS IS TOO FUNNY! You are too great a threat to the parody; so give us more or die!! And i´ll throw a hand grenade at you! "And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

    "And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

    Wow, a Freelancer/Hitchhiker´s Guide/Halo crossover... all we need now is Spaceballs <img src=smilies/icon_smile.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> Good start! I excel in competitive laziness... Edited by - Steel_Fang on 10/20/2005 4:45:07 PM

    ...sorry, Chupa, but really the fact that it´s told exactly like Starman Omega´s fanfic takes away from the humour. It doesn´t feel original. It just sounds like a ripoff. Having said that it´s very funny.

    Hmmm... ripoff of Starman Omega´s parody. Yes it is funny. Just include StarWars, StarcCraft and Lord of the Rings and we´ve got the wierdest story ever. But I don´t know if Starman likes this. Have you asked him?

    hey nederbord, I think you should set up a parralel faction for funny things in parralel places. ´clones 200 cruisers in preparation´ You know its monday when your handgun backfires into your face

    You know its monday when your handgun backfires into your face

    Well, if staman approves... Now to understand the next chapeter, You must know who Samurai Cat is... Samurai Cat, or Miowara Tomakato, is a ronin Samurai whoes lord was killed by a mob of extreamly diverse characters (Al Capone, The Predinator, and The wicked person of the West, just to name a few. Any way, he´s a really awesome dude, who plays a big part in the story, if you dont like, dont read. Oh yeah, he´s got a nephew that follows him around, Shiro, who´s seriously into high powered weapons. Chapter 2 As Trent, the Chief, and Zaphod begin to work out their many problems, something else was happening across yet another dimension. Audience: Not another one! Isn’t three enough? No its not. We have to have at least one more because I say so. Anyway, across time, space, dimensions, and other weird stuff… Ground Control: This is Ground Control to Major Tom; you’ve really made the grade! Major Tom: Ummm, ground control, there’s a big meteor headed this. *Static Fizzz Crinkle Sheeekkk* Hah, fooled you, I bet you thought Major Tom would be in this, well. He’s not. He died of asphyxiation when a meteor hit his ship. Actually… Shiro: So who’s next, Uncle san? Now that we’ve killed Genghis Kahn and everyone else on your list, what are we going to do? Miowara Tomakato: Good question Shiro. I think the first order of business would be punish you for selling that nuke to Quebec Terrorists. Shiro: Whimpers Wait, you say, aren’t you mixing genres? Well, yes I am, and there’s nothing you can do about it, this is MY story! To continue though, Shiro: Uncle! What is that? Tomakato: Look out, Shiro! It’s a plot vacuum! That is correct, uncertain of what how to get his newest characters to the action that hasn’t started yet, the author created a plot vacuum (an advanced version of a plot hole) to suck Samurai Cat and his nephew Shiro through the dimensions to where Trent and Company were just getting to know each other. Trent: Wow! You mean you really defeated an entire alien race by yourself! It took me an entire fleet and a weird alien artifact to destroy the Nomads! Chief: Those blue things? Oh, I’ve blown up a whole bunch of them too. Trent: Uhh oh, Sinclair won’t be happy about that! Cortanna: Actually, I think Zaphod’s the best of all of us, I mean, how many presidents of the galaxy actually steal whatever they want? Marvin the robot: Actually, all of them, but that would probably distress you. Most people are distressed when I talk with them. Here I am, brain the size of a planet- Cortanna: That’s nothing; I have a brain the size of TWO planets! Marvin: Oh yeah? Can you tell me what the 4982759276632926894716385628th digit of pi is? Cortanna: Duh, 9. Can you tell me what the 92348573283724512226843762365th digit of the square root of two is? Marvin (Becoming excited for the first time in his life): 5. Have I ever told you what my theory on life is? Cortanna and Marvin go over to the corner and begin discussing processors, RAM, Memory, and sorts of other computer stuff. Zaphod: Like, Wow. I’ve never seen Marvin like that; normally he’s a total drag, instead of, like, a partial drag. Suddenly a Hole opens up, and in comes Tomakato and Shiro, of which the latter landed on Chiefs chest. Shiro: Wow Uncle san, can we do that again? That was a lot of… ugrle gringle wow… Tomakato: Shiro, stop drooling on the man’s rocket launcher. Shiro: I’m in love; it’s even bigger than the Gatling Avenger! Tomakato: Oh, hello, I am Miowara Tomakato, this is my nephew, Shiro, and we seemed to have been sucked through a plot vacuum to arrive here. Wherever here is… Trent and Chief: Good question! Zaphod: Oh, we’re just cruising around. You know, having a good time. Shiro: Hey Unc, this guy says that he’s killed a lot of aliens; can we go do that too? Tomakato: That depends if these good people lend us their ship. Zaphod: Actually, since I’ve got all you fighting people with me, How about we go take over Galactic Headquarters? ___________________________________________________________________ Oh, Wilde, I SAID it was a rip off, in the begining, ya know?

    Dont look at me, I didn´t write it, Oh yeah, I did. Chapter 3 Trent: Wait a minute; you actually want us to take over the Galaxy? Zaphod: Sure, why not? We could have a really great time. Chief: Oh the killing things would be fun, but what would we do after that? I’m not sure I’d like to rule the galaxy, unless it’s the one I was born in. Zaphod: Yah, but you’ll get to steal a lot of great ships like this one. I bet your ship never turned you into a penguin, or saved you from, like, a nuclear missile by turning it into a whale. Trent: Yah, I read about that! And a bowl of petunias, right? Wait a minute, my book says the ruler of the galaxy lives in a shack with his cat, and makes no sense at all! Zaphod: What book is that? Trent: Uhh, the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Zaphod: Odd, must be the new edition. But I wasn’t, like, talking about that guy, I was talking about the six men who interpret him. Chief: Ok, sounds good. Lets go blow stuff into little tiny pieces. Shiro: Hey, that sounds cool, Can I come? Can I Unc? You know if you say no I’ll just come anyway. I wanna blow stuff up too! Pleasseeeee??? Tomakato: Hush Shiro. Mister Beeblebrox, Zaphod: Huh, please, it’s Zaphod, and let the Kitty come along. Shiro (in background): I am not a kitten! I bet I’ve killed more people than you have! Tomakato: Very well, Zaphod, normally I only kill the people on the list of people who helped murder my lord, but as I have finished wreaking vengeance upon them, I shall now have to do something like expel the corrupt. Are these leaders corrupted? Zaphod: I’ll say they are. Do you know, one time, like, I was going to buy some chocolate, and like, this guy came up, grabbed my money, and told me he was going to be able to buy a lot with all my dough. Trent: This was one of the rulers of the Galaxy? Zaphod: No, it was my older brother, but I bet he was in their employment. Shiro: Sounds good, we’re in! Zaphod: And, like, the rest of you? Chief: Sure, beats staying here and listen to those two talk Cortanna and Marvin were sitting in the corner, talking quickly about their feelings on Bill Gates. Cortanna: Yes, he can’t build a processor to save his life, but without him, I wouldn’t be here. Trent: That’s just wrong, I’ll come too. Zaphod: Ohh, yeah sure, you can come, I guess. And so, a two-headed man, a one headed man, a Spartan, and two 6-foot tall cats began to fly towards the capital city of “Greatasityzenugot” Which, in international Galactic, means “The place where the six interpreters of the ruler of the galaxy live” Trent: Wow! It’s so cool! The entire planet is one big city! Ground control: Foerefav eowrghe cesoiuge vweoiuryg? Cwqoeihgel dowertur deo. Zaphod: Oh, duh, I forgot to get you guys Babble Fishes, here every one over to the tank. Everyone turned around and began to walk towards the Acme Babble Fish Storage Tank. Tomakato: Shiro! What are you doing? Shiro: Uncle San! I love this place; all the vending machines are free! Trent: Ahh, you have a fish tail stuck between your teeth. Zaphod: Well, since someone, like, ATE all the Babble Fishes, I’ll just have to translate. Ground control: Foerefav eowrghe cesoiuge vweoiuryg? Cwqoeihgel dowertur deo. Zaphod: He says, “Stand by, we’re full at the moment, you will be cleared to proceed when it’s free.” Trent: Déjà vu!

    Oh, the silliness... Someone really oughta make a Freelancer mod with Zaphod in it. ---<i>&quot;Smoke me a kipper, I´ll be back for breakfast.&quot; </i>