A Freelancer Parody

    (Is walking along when I see the characters from Freelancer, including 2 Nomads, tied up and gagged) Trent: Mmmfffffff! Mmmffffff Mmffff Mmmffffff!! (Pulls the gag off) What were you saying? Trent: Run! It’s a- (The angry mob comes out of the bushes, armed with various WMDs and class 10 guns from Freelancer) Aw crap. Mob: GIVE US CHAPTER 6 NOW! Alright, you´ve made me do something I really didn´t want to. Mob: What? Gotta go! (Magically teleports away with the FL characters) (Reappears in the middle of the desert in Arizona) Trent: Where are we? My bomb shelter. They’ll never find us here. Mob: KILL!!! Never mind. (Turns to mob) Here, just take chapter 6 and go away. <b>Chapter 6: Of Preciouses and 133tsp3ak </b> Trent had just landed on Manhattan when Juni came out to talk to him. Trent: So what’s this all about? Juni: Something’s wrong here. Trent: (Waits) Play the evil music. (N’Sync music starts playing) Trent: Not that kind of evil music! (Dun dun duuuunnnnnnn) Trent: Better. Get back to your lines now. Juni: But anyways, I was going to say that Walker’s missing. (Dun dun duuuunnnnnnn) Trent: How could he go missing? He’s the captain of a naval cruiser! Juni: What’s weird is that his ship is listed as lost 5 years ago. (Dun dun duuuunnnnnnn) Trent: 5 years ago? That’s crazy! Juni: Also, Sean Ashcroft escaped! (Dun dun duuuunnnnnnn) Trent: How? He was being held in a battleship! Juni: That’s the point. Trent: So why did you call me here? Juni: Because I need your help. We need to look for Walker, so we’ll start in California. Trent: Hmm…let me think about thi-7,000 CREDITS? Of course I’ll help! Juni: Alright, meet me in space. Artifact guy: Mr. Trent, we must talk. Trent: What’s this about? AG: We’re the last two Freeport 7 survivors, Mr. Trent. Everyone else is either missing or dead. (Dun dun duuuunnnnnnn) Trent: Will you stop with the dun dun duuuunnnnnnns?! Music guy: Alright, alright, no need to yell. Trent: Hey, what’s that weird purple thing you’re carrying? AG: It’s what this is all about. Trent: Well can I see what it is? AG: NO! It’s mine, my own, my precioussssss…Gollum! Trent: O_o Never mind. Police guy: (Shoots AG) AG: Blarg, I am dead! PG: Put your hands up or I’ll shoot you! Trent: (Puts hands up) PG: OK, now I’m going to shoot you anyway. Trent: WHAT? Then Juni showed up and took a shot at the police guy. However, since Juni can’t shoot anything to save her life, the shot missed by at least 3 feet and hit a stack of crates full of Gate/Lane Parts, which fell on him and exploded (you’d understand this if you look at the description for Gate/Lane Parts). Trent: Juni, how did you miss him at 20 feet? Juni: Ummm...I meant to do that! Of course I didn´t miss him! Trent: <i>Suuuure. </i> AG’s ghost: Hey, can I have the pre-I mean the artifact back now? Trent: No, it’s a mysterious item that I get near the beginning of the game, so it must be critical to the story. AG’s ghost: HEY, IT’S MINE! Trent and Juni: (Get in ships and fly off) AG’s ghost: NO! THEY STOLES IT! THEY STOLES THE PRECIOUS! THIEF, THIEF TRENTSES! WE HATES IT FOREVER!! IN SPACE Juni: We need to get out of Liberty. Hopefully the Navy won’t come after us. Navy pilot: This is the Liberty Navy. Cut your engines now. Juni: D’OH! King: Juni, this is King. Walker and I will destroy the Battleship Unity. Battleship Unity: Aahhh we’re under attack! (Starts exploding) Trent and Juni: (Shooting down the Navy pilots) Unity: (Exploding) Trent and Juni: (Finish shooting down the Navy pilots) Unity: (Still exploding) Trent: (Reading War and Peace) Unity: (<i>Still </i> exploding) Trent: (Finishes War and Peace) Unity: (Finally blows up completely) King: OK, let’s go to West Point. Trent: Hey, you bought a new Defender! King: Yep, a second hand one! Much cheaper, and-(engine falls out) They said they FIXED THAT! (Beams the engine back up) I’m going to have a word with them. (Flies back to Manhattan) BENFORD STATION Van Pelt: Blah blah failed experiment blah blah abandoned blah blah you’re safe here blah blah the Navy is coming run away blah blah blah. Navy pilot: Unidentified ships, stay right there! Juni: (Dramatically) NEVERRRRR!!! (Attacks) Trent: Whatever. (Attacks) Van Pelt: Run away now, 3 cruisers are coming in! Juni: We’re not leaving you! Cruiser: (Shoots forward gun) Of course, Benford Station was sucked into the Cutscene Zone and exploded instantly. Juni: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-(Takes deep breath)-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- Trent: (Turns off radio) Juni: (Turning blue from lack of oxygen) MAGELLAN SYSTEM Trent: Phew, that was close. At least we won’t get attacked now, right? Bounty Hunter: Power down and surrender, you are outnumbered and we’re cheating and using class 6 guns so you’re also outgunned. Lane Hacker: C34se ph1re 0r y0/_/ wi11 b3 pwnz0r3d! The35e pe0p1e /-
    e /_/nd33r t3h pr0t3ct10n of t3h 1337 /_4n3 h4xorz! (Translation for those that don´t speak 1337: Cease fire or you will be destroyed! These people are under the protection of the elite Lane Hackers!) Bounty Hunter: No, these people have bounties of 1 million credits. Plus we’re cheating so you can’t beat us. Hacker: /-/3y, 0n1y w3re 1337 3n0/_/gh t0 h4x0r te/-/ g4m3! (TFTTDS1337: Hey, only we´re elite enough to hack the game!) (Attacks) And as you know, the Hackers destroyed the Bounty Hunters and saved Juni and Trent. They then went to Mactan Base where there’s nothing good that you can buy. After that they launched. Arnold Schwarzenegger Clone 879: This is the Rheinland Navy. Surrender or you will be terminated! And after you surrender, you will be terminated anyhow! Trent, Juni, and the Hackers: (Attack and destroy the Rheinlanders) Trent: Phew, we almost got our heads handed to us! Juni: Ummm, no we didn’t. Trent: Oh, well we could have. Hacker: Th3re’5 4 j/_/mph01e t0 L33d5 n34r h3r3 (TFTTDS1337: There´s a jumphole to Leeds near here.) Trent: Well let’s use it! Hacker: 1 0n1y 5p34k 1337. (TFTTDS1337: I only speak 1337.) Trent: W311, 13t’5 /_/s3 1t. (TFTTDS1337: See his last line.) PLANET LEEDS Trent: Ahh…good old Bretonia. Finally, some sane people. Mollys Pilot: DRIIIIINK!!!! (Flies into atmosphere) Trent: Never mind. ENDE CHAPTERE SIXE Mob: Yay an update! How did you find me out here anyways? Mob: The homing device we put in your shoe. D’oh! Mob: NOW GIVE US CHAPTER 7! (Starts charging up energy) Mob: What’s he doing? HADOKEN!! (Shoots a large beam of energy, causing an enormous explosion when it hits) Mob: (extra crispy) Run away! Run away! (In the bomb shelter) Finally, some peace and quiet. Nomad 1: Hey, what’s this stuff? (Eats it) No, that’s chocolate! Nomad 1: ^_^ BoiNG! ZoOm! Nomad 2: Lfba’vzjnxklgadsfg (the Nomad god) have mercy on us! Do a barrel roll! Edited by - Starman Omega on 6/30/2005 9:55:43 AM

    Funny as ever i think it was Hamlet (Horatio: &quot;I am slain!&quot<img src=smilies/icon_smile_wink.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> can i have my cookie now? Why am i angry NASA? let me see.... Maybe its cuz i can only move 2 IpH? No..... Maybe its cuz i look like a Tonka toy? No.... Oh! I know! Maybe its cuz you STUCK ME ON #[%$&amp;@ING MARS!!!

    Why am i angry NASA? let me see.... Maybe its cuz i can only move 2 IpH? No..... Maybe its cuz i look like a Tonka toy? No.... Oh! I know! Maybe its cuz you STUCK ME ON #[%]$&@ING MARS!!!

    wait, it wasnt him, it was Polonious! Why am i angry NASA? let me see.... Maybe its cuz i can only move 2 IpH? No..... Maybe its cuz i look like a Tonka toy? No.... Oh! I know! Maybe its cuz you STUCK ME ON #[%$&amp;@ING MARS!!!

    Why am i angry NASA? let me see.... Maybe its cuz i can only move 2 IpH? No..... Maybe its cuz i look like a Tonka toy? No.... Oh! I know! Maybe its cuz you STUCK ME ON #[%]$&@ING MARS!!!

    hmm can i ahvea cookie anyways? its frobably fro some shakespeare play... halmet or macbeth probably cus ppl get pwnerzed in it Freelancer Nerevarine Destroyer of the Shagohod. Savior of Spira (twice)

    Th1s 5t0ry 15 teh r0xx0rz <img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

    yea dis is sooooooooo good <img src=smilies/icon_smile.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> but where is da next chapter, plz plz plz do another chapter plz plz plz<img src=smilies/icon_smile_sad.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> Eat plasma u navy ****ers

    [Hyde Mode)MORE OR WE LYNCH YOU! [Jekill Mode)Please? [Hyde)NOW! Oh and before I forget a litle overdone joke thats not all that funny: WHATEVER YOU DO DONT DO A BARREL ROLL![Ship starts bouncyng off strange black spiky things) NOOOO! WERE IN THE BADLANDS YOU FOOL![Explosion) HEY! You never told me you had level 8 guns on your ship! [Blows up wreckage of traitorus fool and makes towards the nearest base to test new weapons) We are the Photons. Feel our explosive wrath! Edited by - PhotonGun on 6/2/2005 7:54:32 PM