A Freelancer Parody

Hay omega I thought u said those nomads should be kept off the chocolate, or do they always act, u know.... really odd <img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> anyway can´t wait for the next chapter -Mike020389

The master has been released. Whe are humbly awaiting your next chapter great one.

uh oh! suffering from withdrawal systems! need... more... soon! (face becomes wrinkly) HELP! You know its monday when your handgun backfires into your face

Don´t worry, unless I get a flood of homework, Chapter 10 is coming tomorrow! Edit: Sorry I couldn´t get it done today, it´s taking me much longer to write than I thought it would. However it is by far the longest chapter in the story. Do a barrel roll! <A href=´http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?Starman%20Omega´ Target=_Blank>Want to get the chapters of A Freelancer Parody before anyone else? Click here for more info.</a> Edited by - Starman Omega on 10/13/2005 2:10:57 PM

Good job on the parody, have any chocolate? P.S.Mike020389 how long have you had that name? Edited by - Mike951 on 10/12/2005 10:08:41 AM

If you do get a flood of homework, I will make your troubles go away &quot;if you know what I mean.&quot; *Starts charging up blasters and various knockout guns* Lol! I´m A Forum Bowser!

Mike951, Ive had this name ever since I have played online, i use my name Mike020389 on any and every game/forum I have ever been on, its my nick name and date of birth, had this name for about 2-3 years... back on topic cannot wait for the next chapter <img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle><img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle><img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> Edited by - Mike020389 on 10/13/2005 2:48:13 PM

This is just great. I hope you’re happy now, Sinclair. Sinclair: What? To get them to let me go, I had to lend them my new fleet of Protoss Carriers! I was going to use them to destroy the mob’s fortress! You’d better hope none get destroyed, or you’ll spend the rest of your life in an SCV mining minerals to pay me off! Trent: Why would they need so all of those Carriers? Well apparently, the Lord of the Rings universe is being completely destroyed by what could possibly be the worst fanfic ever made. It’s one of those where an absolutely perfect girl (otherwise known as a Mary-Sue) is <i>magically </i> teleported into Middle-Earth and ends up joining the Fellowship. She usually does all the important stuff, steals lines from other characters to look cool, and falls in love with Legolas. <i>Always </i> falls in love with Legolas. And this is the worst yet. Now usually the PPC would go in and kill the Sue, but this one has become Queen of Middle-Earth and is very heavily guarded, along with all her magic powers. So they need some Carriers to kill her easily. Hey, it looks like it’s starting now. (Pulls down a screen) The screen showed Minas Tirith, with the new queen Serena standing on the ledge on top with everyone else worshipping her. Standing beside her was King Legolas (WTF?). It was a perfectly normal day there, but unknown to them, an Arbiter, cloaked by a SEP field, was making its way towards them. It finally reached Minas Tirith and stopped. Normally it would be invisible, since to see through a SEP field, you have to know exactly what it is you’re looking at, and no one even knew what the heck a spaceship was, much less thought one was sitting right on their doorstep. At least not until a voice came out. PPC agent: Serena, you have been charged with completely annihilating the plot of Lord of the Rings, becoming Queen of Middle-Earth, making Legolas fall in love with you, making Legolas become King, killing Sauron, being a Mary-Sue, and pissing us off. Your punishment is death. Serena: Ha! I’d like to see you try. (Creates a magic shield) The Arbiter immediately recalled in the fleet of Protoss Carriers and flew off. Serena: NOOOOOOOOO!! MY ONLY WEAKNESS! Now normally, this shield would block almost anything, but Carriers=Instant Win, so the shield didn’t work. Instead she just died in a storm of Pulse Cannon fire. Now normally when the character that is destroying the plot is killed, everything snaps back into reality. However, the change was so great this time that a “snap” could actually be heard. PPC agents: O_o Then one quick flash of the PPC Super-Neuralizer later, and Serena had never existed. She hadn’t been teleported into Middle-Earth, hadn’t killed Sauron, hadn’t become Queen, and certainly she hadn’t been killed by a fleet of Protoss Carriers, because they had never been warped in by an Arbiter that also didn’t exist. In short, everything was back to normal. (Turns off the TV screen) Well, you got lucky there. You should go out and buy a lottery ticket or something. Tekagi: Has it occurred to you to give them Chapter 10 already? They must be bored of all this LoTR stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with the story, and they’re probably planning an attack right now! Good idea. I’ll go shoot it into their fortress. (Uses the cannon to fire it into the fortress window. Immediately dust can be seen flying out the window from the ensuing fight.) Mobster: (Severely beaten and bruised) Yay, I got it! <b>Chapter 10: THE CAPSHIPS, OH GOD THE CAPSHIPS!! </b> Trent: You’re lucky to be alive! Juni: For the last time Trent; there were no Rheinlanders on that station! Anyway, I got some nanobots for you. Trent: No, I don’t want them! They’ll be sabotaged and they’ll eat up my hull! Juni: Alright, but don’t blame me when you’re flying around in an escape pod. By the way, where are we going? Quintaine: Kress told me to go to Shinkaku and ask the bartender. Let’s head to the trade lane. Trent: No! He’s setting a trap! (Flies the other way) MISSION FAILED Trent: D’OH! I guess I have to play along. (Flies with them to the tradelane) Juni: Something is very wrong here. Big Rheinland Fleet: (Decloaks) Trent: See? What did I tell you! Juni: It’s a trap! Trent: Really? I thought they were selling cookies! Sinclair: I’ve got a great idea! Trent: What? Sinclair: RUN!! Tobias: Get away, I’ll hold them off since my wingmen for some reason never showed up! Trent: Why would you do that, they’re not even chasing us! Tobias: Good point. Alright, we’re at the tradelane. You first, Trent! Trent: Why me, I’m always first! Juni: (Turns very freaky looking again) Grrrrrrr… Trent: O_O I see your point. (Gets in the tradelane) *Tradelane Disrupted* (A Bigger Rheinland Fleet {Yes, I know it’s actually only 2 gunboats but I’m going to call it that anyway because it sounds better than having Bigger before Big-(Quintaine: Alright, we get it!)Fine then, be that way} is waiting for them) Juni: They’ve disrupted the tradelane! Trent: No, really?! Tobias: Trent, let’s fight the gunships. Everyone else, get to the jumphole! Trent: Yay! I finally get to kill something! (Shoots a torpedo at a gunboat, which, if you don’t know, seem to take almost no damage from torps) OK, that must have malfunctioned or something. (Shoots another one) AHHHH! It’s a trap! They’ve sent us those crap gunboats this whole time so we’d think they’re useless in combat, now we’re fighting a real one! Tobias: They just have torpedo-proof armor, use your guns! Trent: We’re dead! (Starts flying in circles) There’s no escaping our doom! The Rheinlanders are everywhere! Tobias: -_- Fine, let’s just get out of here. Trent: They’ll just chase us! And then there will be more wherever we go! (Still flying in circles) Tobias: If you don’t come with me, I’ll tell the author about you feeding the Nomads chocolate! (Holds up a badly drawn picture of me charging up a Hadoken and Trent trying to run away) Trent: On second thought, following you will be just fine. TAU-29 Quintaine: Well, we’re at Shinkaku. I’ll dock and see if there really is a message. In fact, we should all dock here to repair and rearm ourselves, even though we probably won’t get attacked again. *&amp;$#^&amp;(%#(*ing HUGE Rheinland Fleet: Just you wait… Trent: I’m not going in there! Tobias: Remember? Nomads. Chocolate. Author. Trent: Alright, I’m coming. Tobias: Thank you. SHINKAKU STATION Trent was currently in the equipment dealer. Even though the equipment there was much better than what he currently had, he refused to buy anything because he was convinced that it was sabotaged. Trent: (Currently looking inside an Advanced Thruster) Well, it seems OK. But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong with it! Equipment dealer: For the last time, there is nothing wrong with that thruster! I just got it in today! Trent: But there must be some kind of trap. Nothing’s ever that easy! I’m not buying anything! ED: (Waves hand) There is nothing wrong with my equipment. Trent: There is nothing wrong with your equipment. I’ll just take the thruster, along with that shield and countermeasure dropper. ED: Hey, it worked! Thanks for the Jedi mind trick powers! No problem. It’s actually more for his safety than anything else. (Whispering) You see, he’s going to be attacked by a *&amp;$#^&amp;(%#(*ing HUGE Rheinland Fleet. Trent: Hey, what are you whispering about? (Waves hand) Nothing. Trent: Nothing. I see. (Dark Side points gained) IN SPACE Juni: You know, there actually was a message for Quintaine. He gave us coordinates to Kress’s location. Trent: Alright, let’s go! Sinclair: Aren’t you going to say something along the lines of “No, it’s a trap”? Trent: I got tired of being threatened by Juni. Juni: (A bit later) Quintaine: We’re coming up on the end of the asteroid field. From now on, we’re without cover. Sinclair: Say, how did you think of that title? You’ll find out in about, oh, 10 seconds. Sinclair: What do you mean? Radar is clear! Trent: NO, NEVER SAY THAT YOU FOOL! *&amp;$#^&amp;(%#(*ing HUGE Rheinland Fleet: (Decloaks) Trent: THE CAPSHIPS, OH GOD THE CAPSHIPS!! Sinclair: Ah, I see. Juni: It’s a trap! Prepare to retreat! Our fighters can’t repel firepower of that magnitude! Quintaine: Oh great, now she has the Admiral Ackbar syndrome! Trent: What is that? Quintaine: It’s where you talk like Admiral Ackbar all the time. The only cure is a long vacation. Juni: What is this “vacation” you speak of? *&amp;$#^&amp;(%#(*ing HUGE Rheinland Fleet: *Ahem* Trent: Oh, sorry. Anyways, we’re in a cutscene, and there are new contacts coming in fast! We’ll be saved in no time! Then, Razor-One’s wing showed up and fired their missiles. Unfortunately, the fleet was not sucked into the Cutscene Zone and took almost no damage. Then the cutscene ended, and the entire fleet started shooting at Trent. Trent: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! (Dodging fire) *&amp;$#^&amp;(%#(*ing HUGE Rheinland Fleet: (Continue shooting at Trent) Trent: (Screaming like that girl in War of the Worlds) *&amp;$#^&amp;(%#(*ing HUGE Rheinland Fleet commander: My ears! (Fleet starts shooting at Juni instead) Juni: Ha, you can’t kill me! (Gets all her weapons shot off) D’OH! This eventually happened to everyone, so Trent had to surrender. However, right at that moment, a huge ship flew in. It was shaped like a cube, but didn’t look like a Borg cube. Instead it was painted like a box for a Gateway computer (If you don’t know, it’s the same color as a cow). There seemed to be singing coming from it that could be picked up on the radio. ???: We will fight for bovine freedom, and hold our large heads high! We will run free with the buffalo, or diiiiieee! Rheinlanders, you will pay for sponsoring the cattle ranches on Stuttgart! Then the Cow Cube opened fire on the *&amp;$#^&amp;(%#(*ing HUGE Rheinland Fleet and due to its massive size (it was 4 times the size of a Rheinland battleship), destroyed them very quickly. Quintaine: Of all the people who could have showed up, we have been saved by the <i>Cows with Guns? </i> Cows with Guns: Yep, that’s us! By the way, you don’t eat beef, right? Trent: No, I’m a vegetarian, of course! CwG: Is that a McDonalds bag we see? Trent: Ummmm…no, I have no idea what you’re talking about! Oh, look at the time! I think we better get going now. (Everyone cruises off) CwG: HEY! GET BACK HERE! Trent: This whole thing is taking years off my life! I’m going to be old and wrinkled before this is over! Quintaine: Hey, we’re coming up on the methane field. Be careful, some pockets are explosive. Trent: Ah ha! So you have to go through explosive gases to get there, and they probably kill you in one hit! They won’t get me, though. I’m not going through this! Juni: Alright, then you can choose between that and more Rheinland fleets! Trent: Actually, the gas field sounds pretty good to me. (Starts flying through and expertly dodging the gases) Hey, this isn’t so hard! (Sees a gas pocket right in front of him) OH CRA-(Flies through and takes a whopping 0 damage) Hey, these don’t even hurt me! Uh oh, that means there will be some catch when we get there. I’m ready for it though. Juni: (Slams head against dashboard, or whatever the equivalent in FL is) Razor-One: Here’s the jumphole to the Tau-23 system. Kress is in a base there. Juni: Finally! Trent, go in first. Trent: No! I refuse to go first this time, and nothing can make me! Juni: (Rams Trent through the jumphole) Well that’s one way to do it! However, seconds later, Trent came flying back out in cruise, screaming at the top of his lungs. Trent: AHHHHHHHHH RADIATION!!! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! RADIATIONY DEATH RAINS UPON US! WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED US, CONSOLE, WHY!? (Strangely, Trent’s ship flies back) Trent: Zzzzz… Quintaine: What happened here? Those Mysterious Author powers can be very useful at times. He should be out for a while, so I’ll just control his ship for you. Sinclair: Finally we’re rid of his insane babbling! Juni: PARTY! PARTY! Quntaine: Maybe we should party at Cali Base, so we don’t get more Rheinlanders attacking us. Juni: Good idea. CALI BASE (Trent is awake now, but cured of his paranoia) Quintaine: We’ll need the Proteus Tome to decipher the artifact. It’s held in the Kusari Natural History Museum. Kress: Well that shouldn’t be too difficult, we have an agent there, Lord Hakkera. Trent: No, I’m going to get it, it’ll be too boring sitting around here. Juni: I’m going too! Trent: Oh, wait, I’ve changed my mind! Juni: &gt;_&lt; ENDE CHAPTERE TENE Von Claussen: Hey, what should we do about this fortress? And finally I get a line! Well if is wasn’t for SOMEONE here, I could use my Carriers, but they won’t be back in time. Any other ideas? Nomad 1: Hey, we could launch a Nomad Uber-Nuke! Is this going to lead to more incidents with the PPC? Nomad 1: No, it’s just new weapon we have. And this isn’t part of the story, so it shouldn’t matter. Alright then, go ahead. Nomad 2: How strong of a blast can this withstand? My base? It’s so strong it can take a 50 megaton blast at 3000 feet! Nomad 2: No, that’s not nearly good enough. It would have to be at least 25 miles away. Just how big is this thing? Nomad 1: You’ll see when it goes off. Didn’t you say this place has a flying ability? Yep, just got it installed yesterday. I’ll go start it up! (Bomb shelter lifts off and starts flying) I thought it could go faster than this. Oh well. 3 HOURS LATER We have arrived, everyone! Do the honors, nomads! Nomads: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… Wake up! Nomad 1: What? We’re here. Launch the nuke! The Nomads then pulled out guns, which is very strange considering they have nowhere to pull them out from. But anyway, they aimed laser sights at the mob fortress, and if you were closer, you’d see two flashing red dots on the fortress wall, similar to a certain video game we all know. Computer: NUCLEAR LAUNCH DETECTED Inside, everyone! Nomad 2: Impact in 5…4…3…2…1… Now I won’t get into the full effects of a 15-gigaton bomb exploding in the desert, but I will say that church attendance dramatically increased after this, at least after they cleared the radioactive sand that covered streets to a depth of 2 feet in some places. A crater 20 miles wide was discovered in the middle of the desert, where the first person stupid enough to go in without radiation protection was quickly turned extra-crispy. The second person did have a radiation suit, but he still glowed for 3 days after. But the main thing is the mob was finally defeated. Trent: Yes, we can finally get out of here! Tekagi: Oh, and the PPC actually do exist, go to <A href=´http://www.misssandman.com/PPC/ppc.html´ Target=_Blank>http://www.misssandman.com/PPC/ppc.html</a>. Read the stories, they’re quite funny. Do a barrel roll! <A href=´http://kevan.org/brain.cgi?Starman%20Omega´ Target=_Blank>Want to get the chapters of A Freelancer Parody before anyone else? Click here for more info.</a> Edited by - Starman Omega on 10/14/2005 12:23:49 PM

ROFL. Great update mate. Glad to see you out. But what have you done to us? Is this your way of thanking us? No my friend. We aren´t destroyed. That fortress was just a part of a much greater organization. Spanning across worlds, we have diffirent ´´cells´´ carrying out diffirent tasks. We will never die! Or at least I won´t. Not even the PPC can reach me! *Takes ar GO 229 Horten and flies into the Chernobyl zone in Ukraine* Voila! My radioactive fat production facility! Besides, radiation is fun, it makes you glow at night. So that other can´t sleep. I have yet another plan. But this time it´s not to ge a new chapter. I want revenge! *breakes into a very dark, depp, loud sinister laugh* MHOUHAHAHAHAHA! Copyright Smirnovka Radfat AB-Kfc.

MUST READ MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your stuff is far too funny. It´s so funny; that i started laughing before I read it! Death to the salad eaters!

Nedorbord: i see your point but to put it simply: Starman Omega + Even Bigger nuke than nomad´s = Iradiatated Starman Omega = No next Chapter = withdrawal symptoms for a large portion of the mob. besides ´ahem´ that was a decoy! You know its monday when your handgun backfires into your face

I´m afraid I´ll have to call the PPC in on your epilouge- Von Claussen isn´t introduced at this point. Then again, neither is Tekagi. Your call. Oh, and btw- if E=mc^2 were lossless, you could build a 1 gigaton nuclear device out of a paperclip. With fifteen paperclips... Edited by - J Dawg on 10/14/2005 8:33:41 PM

HAHAHAHA <img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle><img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle><img src=smilies/icon_smile_big.gif width=15 height=15 border=0 align=middle> Doesn´t get much funnier then this

xp194: Well, I didn´t mean to erradicate him. Just do something irritating. Watch and wait. *runs away with four barrels full of paint*

fuN-Nny lol. and that base you nuke, like a bunch of the others was a liftoff base with instantaneous moving! Yes its true! See that building, over there...... I´m A Forum Bowser!

<font size=1 face="trebuchet ms"><BLOCKQUOTE><hr size=1 noshade>O´NEILL: In their flying city. JACKSON: yes.*Jack smirks*.What? O´NEILL: *Stressing flying* Flying. City. <hr size=1 noshade></BLOCKQUOTE></font><font face=´trebuchet ms, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica´ size=2> Hmm, Starman, have you been watching too much atlantis? Flying bunker?. oh well Nicely done there, keep up the impressive comedic work

must-have-more-funny. GIVE US MORE FUNNY!!!!! FUNNNNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE! It´s the only thing filling in the void in my life! Edited by - mrdeaths on 10/19/2005 12:06:29 PM

Hey, Starman, if you think that I´ve infringed upon you Copyright of this story, please tell me and I´ll delete my post and I´ll deny any statement that I ever posted it. If you so wish. Within the domains of Starman Omegas Fliegenfestung... King: Hey, Orillion, cen you get me donuts? Orillion: Sure. Orillian walks away to the doughnut packages. But suddenly, as he reaches for one of the packages a horde of the most annoying thing in the world jumps out in front of him. Teletubbies! Orillion: Oh **** no! Trent: What is it? Orillion: Judgement day has come! Doom´s here! Run for your lives! Trent: o_O Orillion: Beware of the teletubbies! a telletubbie hops out of the storage. Trent: O_O Oh bugger, we´re doomed! RUN! But as they run more and more teletubbies plopp out in front of everyone. Soon they´re all surrounded. Orillion: Nooo! What are we going to do! Quintane: I´ve got an idea! Trent: What? Quintane pulls a jar of honey from his pocket. Trent: o_O Quintane: Die spawns of evil! he roared as he throwed the jar of honey into the horde. King: Cool, I didn´t know you could roar. Quintane: What do you think I did on New Berlin in my twenties? King: Studied? Quintane: No for Gods sake. I had the best time in my life there. King: What was tha-... I don´t want to know. Juni: Looks they´re blowing up! All the teletubbies overloaded and exploded. Trent: Smart. But then even more irritating creatures teleported themselves into the station. Orillion: OH GOOD! OMG! FURBIES! WE´RE ALL GONNA DIE! Quintane: I´ve got an idea! Trent: And the day´s saved. Quintane: Anybody got some porridge? Sinclair: I have. King: Well hand it over to him. Sinclair: NO! IT´S MINE! THE PORRIDGE IS MINE! Random Furby: Im Hungry. Feed me! Orillion: AHH! I CAN´T TAKE IT ANY MORE! &gt;_&lt; Random Furby: Feeeeeeeeed meeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! Everybody groaned in pain. Starman Omega came out of his office. Starman Omega: What´s go-... WTF?!! O_O Random Furby: I love you! Starman Omega: O_o All furbies: I love you! A furbie opened his godforsaken mouth and shot out a message in a glasstube the landed next to Starman Omega. Shooting Furby: Feed me! Quintane: Sinclair, may I have your porridge? Sinclair: I´ll do anyting for you, Quintie Poo! (Pooh?) Quintane: Oh no, not again. Quintane took the opened the jar and took a spoon as he lowered himself to the height of a midget. Quintane: Hi little Furby. Furby: Hi! Quintane: Are you hungry? Furby: I´m hungry. Feed me! Quintane: &gt;_&lt; Very well, open you mouth. Furby: Aaa. The furby opened his mouth. Quintane pushen in a spoon of porridge into the Furby´s mouth. Furby: Yumm! Yumm, yumm yumm. Quintane: &gt;_&lt; I hate you. Furby: I love you! Quintane: &gt;_&lt; A pirate came in. Pirate: Yarrr, avast ye! Random Furby: I love you! Pirate: O_o AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!! The pirate took up the furby and throwed it into the wall. Upon it´s destruction a titanium ball flew out from it and hit the pirate directly in the forehead. Pirate: AURR!!! and he fel to the grund. The porridge feeded furby spread theporridge to all other furbies. Who spread it around and so on. The porridge made all furbies mechanism go wierdo and they all exploded. Leaving after themselves the steanch of burned meatballs. King: Uuugh! Starman Omega picked up his letter and read it. ´´Dear Starman Omega. I´m Nederbörd. President of Smirnovka Radfat AB-Kft. I come to you with a proposition. If you are to accept my friendship and loyal support to you as an ally I will end the meatball stench in your fortress. If not, It´ll be there for all eternity. It is immune to author powers and the order of the great universe and the unorder outside of it´s boundaries. With this proposal also comes an offer you can´t resist, ONLY FOR YOU! Now you have the exclusive chance to buy 50 MEGATONS OF RADIOACTIVE FAT for only 25.000SEK! This you may use against your enemies. If you accept this alliance (along with an offer) you will get a free discount on all of our products. From our famous radioactive fat to our vomiting feathers. Think of it. An alliance and EVERYTHING FOR FREE! Sincerely, Nederbörd´´ Starman Omega: Hmmm.........

just read this. cant believe i missed all of this great stuff!!! but i think u shouldve added this to the lane hackers part: CONSOLE: EJECTING LANE HACKERS FOR HACKING.